Poetry

BEAUTY & PASSION OVERFLOWING

Heels
© Monica S. Martinez

If I Undressed My Truths
© Monica S. Martinez

If I undressed my truths
And he saw the ugly
Would he stay?
I friend zoned him
Three months and counting
But for him it was love at first sight
Maybe I wanted him not to want me anymore
I stared into his eyes
Seeking a response
As he looked away
I felt the sting in my heart
After all this was the part I was waiting for
His eyes bore sorrow
Reaching for me
Pulling me in slowly
Whispering
“I’m not going anywhere
And you, you can’t scare me off”
The tears slowly ran down my face
My life was fifty shades of fucked up
And he loved me unconditionally
But…Was I worthy enough to receive his love?
After all my daddy loved us differently
Those were the old days
Deep down I knew I couldn’t love him the way he needed
I screamed you can’t love me
I’m damaged goods
Everything I touch someway somehow leaves
You’ll just be everything to remind me
Why love doesn’t exist
That no matter what one does?
It always ends with pain and sorrow
My body was borrowed and
I’m still left dealing with the demons
And well you, you and this baby will remind me of them
My failed relationships
I can’t stay
My truths can’t handle your forgiveness
So, leave
Leave me in this ugliness
You are far too kind to want to unpack my baggage
Leave my suitcase right here in this corner
I’m much more comfortable this way
I needed him to walk away
Instead he reached for my hands
I promise to love you no matter what rivers you need to swim in
I, I couldn’t let him in
He begged and pleaded
This isn’t your child
Why would you want to raise someone else’s and pretend?
I’m just not fit enough to love you
His eyes swelled with tears
And I was facing my fears
“This baby can be ours” he responded
NO
I’m scheduled to terminate
Please vacate my premises
And let me drown in my sorrows
It’s been twenty three years since he’s walked out my door feeling defeated
And if given the opportunity to make amends
I’d let him know that I think of him often
And I regret that I wasn’t fit enough to love him

Kneel
© Monica S. Martinez

DADDY
© Monica S. Martinez

Daddy never showed us our worth
He was too busy undressing our innocence
Said we taunted him with our curves
And so, what if it was just a smile
Unwelcomed advances leaving us uncomfortable and confused
Though soon it became natural
For Daddy’s hands cascaded up our thighs
Teaching us to lie and keep secrets
Secrets that would prove too heavy of a burden to carry
It was the price we paid for him to be our first
Because you never forget your first
And silently like a ninja he crept upstairs
To take what was rightly his
One by one our pleas didn’t prevent him from stopping
Crying ourselves a river
Laying numb as he invaded our walls
And now we’re left here to pick up the pieces
And live the American Dream
They say in order for you to heal one must learn to forgive
Surely, they hadn’t experienced half of this pain
Where nights when you said no
Led to your defense mechanism of the stories to be told
Because the bruise was evidence of you being disobedient
These therapists were clueless
Couldn’t even phantom the idea of being so scared
One couldn’t find the strength to scream
Because your voice box disappeared
So instead you used your hands for sign language
In hopes that he understood that No Meant No
Some nights when rain fall would come
We lean our head outside in order
To be ease the pain and be reborn
Maybe just maybe if we could erase his smell
We wouldn’t have his stench probing at our nose
or him hushing us behind mommies back with his fingertips
Though the therapist said we were strong and resilient
And we could get pass “this”
Only she never knew what “This” was
We never spoke “this” into existence
Because if we didn’t speak about it then it didn’t happen
So, you see there’s not always a happy ending to all stories
After all we were liars in mommy’s eyes to our surprise
Now
Infidelity it plays a huge part in who we’ve become
couldn’t be faithful even if our lives depended on it
Although we crave love
We just don’t know what it is
And we hurt those who we come in contact with
Though I want to say to say it’s not intentional
It’s just how this story unfolds
Not knowing how to break this cycle to teach our daughters
So, we continue our search
In hopes that one day we will find our worth
But until then
let me apologize to all those I’ve hurt

Ms. Martinez, congratulations are in order
You are twelve weeks into your pregnancy
Now lie back and let’s listen to the sweet sounds of the heartbeat
The mere thought of you growing inside of me
Gave me life
I imagined all the changes that my body would go through
As you grew depending on me to give you the proper nutrients
All the weight I would gain
Knowing every pound would be worth it
And every stretch mark earned
I envisioned of the nights that you would wake me up to feed you
How I would hold you in my arms close to my heart
cooing at you
With promises to protect you
And love you till my dying breath
I knew you were a boy even though the sonogram didn’t say so
I’ve often wonder what you would have looked like
Maybe blonde locks like your brother
Hazel eyes like your daddy
Your skin olive like your grandmother’s
And maybe, just maybe you would possess my smile
You were to grow to be a good man I was certain of it
A protector of your siblings
Your brother who is two years younger
Honestly needs you now just the way I wanted you then
But my dream would come to an abrupt end
I never got to hold you
And I sure as hell didn’t protect you
Though it’s been 29 years
I still can’t help myself from crying
I’ve questioned every other pregnancy
Especially the one of your sister who never came to be
You see she was almost at term when I took that fatal fall
Two more miscarriages led to me to discard yet another life
Because I just couldn’t deal with any more pain & disappointments
Although your brother by my side to remind me
That true love did indeed exist
I couldn’t comprehend then because somehow I thought I was being punished
For allowing your father to force me into that clinic and taking you away from me.
I know you know by now
I finally got the courage to walk away and
I was gifted with another child
Your baby brother
Who fought for his life in that incubator?
And when I look at them and I’m reminded of would could have been
I hope you can forgive me for not having a voice
Because I was too scared your daddy would have left
And I hope when we meet in heaven you do not turn away from me
Because it was not my choice